TOP TEN Which one? I can send you a listing of my files, or the listings of several different programs. Perhaps a listing of valid usernames at my node? I also have a book called "The Book of Lists," which has all kinds of cool lists in it. Or perhaps you'd like a copy of the Kansas City Phone Listing? How about a list of anonymous FTP sites? I can also make a list of my favorite foods or least favorite odors. David Letterman also has quite a few Top Ten Lists. In fact, I'll whip one up: THE TOP TEN REASONS PEOPLE SEND "PLEASE SEND LISTING" MESSAGES TO NUTS: 10) They think that a computer will respond more quickly if they type in "Please"... 9) They are nuts. 8) They want everyone on the list to know that they have never read the ListServ HELP file. 7) They were taught to use a computer by Dick and Jane. 6) They can't tell the difference between "listserv@finhutc" and "nuts@finhutc"... 5) They really *do* want copies of the local phone directories from every person on the list. 4) To try to get someone to write to them. 3) Because "PLEASE SEND LISTING" is a coded, subliminal message that will make us all go out and join a cult society. 2) To impress their friends with the act of defiance. And the Number One reason people send "PLEASE SEND LISTING" messages to Nuts@FinHutC???? 1) To see what kind of sarcastic responses they can get back! ========================================================================= Subject: Bureaucratic circumlocution of the week Electronic News (January 14 1991) page 8 Digital Sets First Layoffs; 3,500 Jobs to Go Maynard Mass - Digital Equipment Corp., buffeted by both the industry-wide shift to low-cost standard hardware and the general economic recession, last week set plans for its first formal layoffs ever as part of a program for cutting up to 3,5000 jobs over the next few months. DEC didn't issue a formal statement regarding its plans, and company officials studiously avoided describing the impending reductions as layoffs. They instead characterized the upcoming cuts as a ``severance program with an involuntary methodology.'' ------------------------------------------------------ Selections from Gunter Ahrendt's collection: gunter@antlia.cc.uwa.oz.au A naval Captain was advised that there was another vessel on a near-collision course with his own. He radioed for the other ship to change course ten degrees south. The reply came back for the Captain to order a change in his own course ten degress north. Incensed, the Captain radioed, "I am a Captain; change your course." The reply was, "I am a Seaman First Class; change your course." Furious now, the Captain responded with, "This is a #$@*&%~*&*!@! battleship; you change YOUR course!" Came the reply: "This is a #$@*&%~*&*!@! lighthouse; you change YOUR course!" ------------------------------------------------------------ The Xerox corporate telephone directory (at least the Spring/Summer 1990 version, on page 108) lists: Fish, Wanda J an employee in El Segundo, California. Note, however, that her alias is JFish ... J standing for "Joan" (her middle name) rather than "Jelly". ---------------------------- The Joy of Teaching The Lesson ---------- Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, taught them saying: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven... Blessed are the meek... Blessed are the merciful... Blessed are they that thirst for justice... Blessed are you when persecuted... Blessed are you when you suffer... Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven. Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?" And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?" And James said, "Do we have to show our work?" And Phillip said, "May I go to the bathroom?" And Bartholemew said, "Do we have to turn this in?" And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this." And Matthew said, "I don't have any paper." And Thomas said, "Will we have a test on this?" And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?" Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?" And Jesus wept... ************************************************ -- Lon Mendelsohn ========================================================================= Answering machine messages: -------------------------- From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson) Before Louise (daughter, fourteen years) came to stay on Friday evening, my answering machine message said, in my voice: `This is 031-343 xxxx. Thank you for calling. I'm sorry, I can't come to the phone right now, etc. etc.' Now it says, in Michelangelo's voice: Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx. This is the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.' All in 28 seconds, too. -------------------------- The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: More Blonde jokes Q:What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A:Gets dressed and goes home. Visual Joke: Q:Why do blondes wear dresses with shoulder pads? A:(Swing your head stupidly from side to side and say) "I don't know" Subject: A nuts dictionary Subject: ah...so we're after blonds now.... how do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? tell her a joke on wednesday ========================================================================= Subject: more blond jokes Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of blonds standing in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: What do you get when a bunch of blonds are in the swimming pool? A: Air Pockets. Q: What do you get when you line up six blonds ear-to-ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: How do you know if a blond can cook? A: The pop-tart comes out all in one piece! ========================================================================= Subject: jeez Q: What does a blonde say after sex? A: So, are you all on the same team, or what? ========================================================================= Selections from Victor Schartz's collection: SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem.com HERSHEY, PA. (AP) - U.S. soldiers in Saudi Arabia finally have chocolate bars that melt in their mouths, not in the sand. At the request of the Army, Hershey Foods Corp. sent 144,000 "Hershey's Desert Bars" that won't melt in 100 degree-plus heat. The first round of heat-resistant chocolate sent earlier this month to the Persian Gulf was a test of the product, said Hershey spokeswoman Bonnie Glass. If the chocolate bars taste good and are tough enough for desert warfare, Hershey will send thousands more, she said. "Chocolate has long been an American favorite, and we are happy that we can supply the soldiers in Saudi Arabia with a familiar taste from home," said Richard A. Zimmerman, Hershey's chairman and chief executive officer. The troops haven't sent word yet on the Desert Bar, but an Army spokesman said the chocolate candy is good. ---------------------------- from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard: A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes: "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." Bruce Sprinsteen "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth a new application." from The Gettysbug Address "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." Lab manager I think therefore I create bugs." Descartes "Debug is human, de-fix divine." "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." P. T. Bugem Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." N. Armstrong "The bug is mightier than the fix." Cyrano deBuggerac "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." The Super-User "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." "I have just begun to debug." --------------------------------------------------- This is too good not to send out. From Datamation 15-Jan-91 p.17: Maintaining a Hardware Mindset Huntsville, Ala. -- Although a number of Wall Street analysts question the wisdom of any compnay below a certain size remaining the the hardware business, the alternative isn't all that appealing to Intergraph Corp. Atop its own Clipper reduced instruction set computing processors, the company builds UNIX systems that are bundled with software and sold to users for computer-aided design, among other applications. Why not just focus on software? "There are only four or five software companies whose annual revenues meet or exceed $500 million," observes Eliott D. James, president of Intergraph, whose sales last year were expected to top $1 billion. "It's difficult to sustain a large software company -- due, in part, to the quirky nature of software programmers." ---------------------------------------------------- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra ------------------------------------------------------------------ YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM! Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm) "Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as much milking done." - Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma "Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value of good graphics resolution." - Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska "After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us through hard times." - Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine "I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking services, will be the wave of the future." - Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah "Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we know a thing or two about bus controllers." - Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer- ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not. Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows. --------------------------------------------------------------- Apple Corporation Sues Itself. [AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous. An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend. Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality." The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals. -David Lowry =========================================================================